CanCan
by Enide Dear
Summary: Cloud is unavailable but Avalanche still has to sneak into don Corneo's mansion.


"I don't see why we have to this at all," Barret grumbled as Tifa pushed him as the last man into the clothes shop in Sector Seven's slum.

"Yes you do." Showing no mercy, Tifa pushed him over the door step. "Everyone knows don Corneo has a...type, and we already know neither I nor Aeris qualifies. It has to be one of you guys."

Barret was to protest and point at Yuffie, but swallowed his word. A minor should go nowhere near that place after all.

"I just wish Cloud was here," he sighed defeated and followed the rest of Avalanche's male members into the garish light.

Settling in to wait while the shopkeeper enthusiastically did his thing, the girls subject quickly turned to wager.

"Vincent."

"Vincent."

"Vincent."

The three stared at one another, then shrugged.

"Well, I mean he already have smooth skin and and beautiful hair." Tifa mused.

"Not to mention the body type of a runway model." Aeris agreed.

"At least there's someone with smaller tits than me," Yuffie muttered. "Oh, look! Speak of the devil!"

The door to the changing room had opened and the very man they had been talking about stepped through.

All three girls shrieked in horror.

The shopkeeper had done his best, there was no doubt about it. A black, tight laced corset led into a flowing red skirt with dark patterns, leaving a slits to shox of long legs, the corset doing its best with pale shoulders with it's low-cut decortage.

The whole thing hung on Vincent Valentine like the tattered remains of a corpse bride on a gargoyle.

It was pure horror; a zombie bride come to life, criss crossed with ugly thick scars, the skin not pale but *dead* and the absolute lack of female shapes only enhancing the skeletal thinnes of his body.

"I told you this wouldn't work," the man muttered as he threw himself into a chair next to them, crossing his arms over his non-existing bosom.

"Um...alright," Tifa tried to shuffle away from the apparition without being noticed. "Reeve, you are next."

With a bit more enthusiasm, the door was opened again and Reeve Tuesti stepped through. He had refused to shave the beard, but it looked shiny and soft with beard oil which went well with the overall look; an airy green peasant blouse low slung over his shoulders and a matching red and green tartan skirt leading down to knee high boots. He kept stroking the cloth of the skin in an obviously pleased manner.

"No!" Came the collective shout from the assembled four.

Affronted, Reeve frowned at them.

"Why not? I thought I pulled of this look very well. This tartar is very lovely, and I'd like to point out that I am used to wearing robes. I can actually walk in this thing!"

"You look like someones prim old aunt," Vincent interjected solemnly and the girls nodded.

"Or a school teacher at an all girl school," Aeris added.

"Also, you are hairy." Yuffie stared at the mat of black chest hair sticking out from the blouse, complemented by a similar mat on the legs. "Like everywhere!"

"Shaving is absolutely out of the question," huffing, Reeve wandered over to the shopkeeper and started up a whispered conversation about tartar robes.

"Barret," Tifa called next.

It was obvious that the shop keeper had had limited options when dealing with a customer of Barret's size, but it was equally obvious he had risen to the challenge. The wrap around dress (possibly the only type of dress to stand a chance of surviving the ordeal) looked soft and shimmering, a nice dark blue colour that lifted Barret's complexion and the little pearl stitched bag was a nice touch. But...

"I mean, it's not bad." Tifa said thoughtfully. "But you have to keep your chin up, Barret. You have to strut. You have to smile. You have to *own* that dress!"

"I can't! What if Marlene sees me like this, huh?" Barret moaned, hand over his face.

"What of it?" Yuffie asked.

"Well, she'll want a dress like this for herself, won't she? I can't afford that!"

"Still, you are probably going to be our best bet. Next up is...Highwind." Vincent mumbled.

A collective shudder went through all six of them at the mental images conjured up by the thought of the red necked, chain smoking, swearing captain in anything remotely feminine.

"I'm actually surprised we got him in here at all," Aeris mused.

"Without having to knock him out or anything," Tifa agreed.

"Where is that music coming from?" Yuffie frowned and they all sat up straighter.

The unmistakable sound of the Champagne Canes came through the loudspeakers but before anyone could say anything, a Creature slammed the door open and stepped through, on heels so high they would have made Scarlet's ankles shiver.

The creature was stunning. Gorgeous. A creation of frothy white lace layers barely reaching half way down a muscular smooth thigh in fishnet stockings, red skirts, red corset, one red and one black feather situated jauntily on top of a flowing blonde wig. There was a cigarette in the creature's mouth. It was attached to a long, slim elegant cigaret holder.

"What'cha'll lookin' at?" Cid demanded cheekily behind superbly applied make up. "Have ya never seen Rocket Towns' second best cancan dancer five years running before?!"

"CanCan?" Vincent whispered in a very tiny voice.

"Second best?!" Yuffie asked with an equally small voice.

"Yeah, yeah, 'jest 'cause fuckin' Jessie Merino can do a split. But look at this! Ain't no one beats a Highwind when it comes to high kicks!"

To the combined horror, delight and sexual self re-discovery of Avalanche he began to dance.

Skirts flew high, legs higher until the point where it was made absolutely clear that tighty whiteys were not an acceptable under a cancan dress, although lacy thongs were.

"How are you so smooth?!" Yuffie stared at his legs.

"Burned it all away in the last dynamite blast!" Shuffling his skirt, Cid still managed to shout back, ending it all with a slightly over the top, high heel kick over their collective heads. Before Avalanche could compose themselves, Cid grabbed the gramophone, pushed it at Vincent who stunned took it, collected his skirts and started sauntering out the shop. "Now, c'mone! Got us a pimp ta seduce!"


End file.
